EPISODE 7: THE HETFIELD HORROR

Keeper:
You guys hear the sound of collapsing, probably of the attic, a lot of it collapsing down into the floor below.
 
[SFX: Wood splintering and crashing.]
 
Keeper:
There’s a strange howl—
 
[SFX: Echoing, ethereal howl.]
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
That’s coming from me.
 
Keeper:
—and then just eerie silence.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
I stand up. What—do we see a hole where the house used to be or…?
 
Keeper:
No, no. I mean, it was—he went in with an AP landmine. Personnel were anti-ed.
 
[Cast laughs.]
 
Keeper:
But basically, it’s not really enough destructive force to bring down the house—
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
It’s enough to get—
 
Keeper:
— although it is decrepit, but yeah, like, it—it probably did some damage but you guys are hanging out—
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Structural damage?
 
Keeper:
Yeah. Things are not looking safe.
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I’m at negative 5 Health. Just so you know.
 
Keeper:
Yeah. So basically if you guys get to him within three seconds, he doesn’t die.
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
No, I’m done for!
 
Sam Spade:
As I’m trying to get into the house, That thing looks like it’s about to come down.
 
Keeper:
Yeah, so, anybody going to go in?
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
I mean—
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Alright, shit. Fine. I’ll go in.
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Hell, I’m adventurous.
 
Sam Spade:
I go in very gingerly.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Hank and I look at each other—
 
Keeper:
You go in and the—looks like most of the attic is collapsed in.
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yeah, we’re not going up there.
 
Keeper:
You find the mutilated corpse of your compatriot along with—
 
[SFX: Dramatic stinger.]
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character - sarcastically]:
A bear ate him!
 
Keeper:
—blown-apart bits of some freakish person possibly? You’re not really sure. Roll Sanity.
 
Deloras Delaney:
Well, he died as he lived.
 
Keeper:
This is a pretty horrifying situation.
 
[Dice roll.]
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
83. I failed that one.
 
Hank O’Brien [Out of Character]:
He died as he lived, with one foot cocked in the grave.
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Fuck y’all. End this game!
 
Keeper:
You lose 3 points of Sanity. It’s unsettling, but not, like, pants-shitting terrifying. Like, this is—
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
He should be happy!
 
Keeper:
Yeah.
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yeah, part of me is thrilled inside.
 
Keeper:
Part of you is happy but there’s something else here. That other thing is not—not human.
 
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
I rolled 18.
 
Keeper:
Looks like even before the explosion it didn’t have legs.
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I destroyed the books, yeah.
 
Keeper:
18? Lose a Sanity point, but otherwise—you’re a little disturbed.
 
Deloras Delany [Out of Character]:
I rolled a 2.
 
Keeper:
Lose a Sanity point. Only one. Are you staying outside, Hank?
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
The game’s not long enough to lose it all.
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
I ain’t going in there! There’s an ex—where the bomb went off!
 
Keeper:
Clutching in one of his smoking hands that has been disconnected from his body is what looks like a big, singed book.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
If I see that first, I’ll pick it up.
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Oh, I need to point something out.
 
Sam Spade:
Part of me is going along with the idea that burning this place down where it stands right now is probably the best course of action. Just—
 
Deloras Delaney:
Did I not call that when I came in?
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
I was just about to say, as you suggested.
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I need to tell the G.M. something secret. Hold on. Hold on.
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
You’re dead!
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
No. It doesn’t matter!
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
His ghost comes back!
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
You’re dead. Stop manipulating!
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Wooooooo! Spooky.
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
This is something y’all forgot!
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
He’s resurrected three days later.
 
Keeper:
Either of you guys looking over things a little more closely? Because it looks like he obviously found something. Maybe he’s got more things on him.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
I’m examining this book: Von Junzt’s Nameless Cults.
 
[SFX: Pages turning in a book.]
 
Keeper:
It’s all written in English. Looks like it’s an English translation of a German book. The page you’re looking at is a page that looks like it was folded open to.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
I would say we got one hundred percent confirmed that some evil black magic is involved in this!
 
[Cast laughs.]
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
How do you guys feel about the name “Mother of Pus?”
 
[SFX: Dramatic stinger.}
 
Deloras Delaney:
Not good, frankly.
 
Keeper:
Speaking of which, the page across from that seems to be some elaborate ritual, general description of which seems to be something about empowering the Mother of Pus into a goddess and herald of the end times. And there are extensive notes on the procedure for doing so.
 
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Do I—I’ll roll for this somehow. Is Cyril going to draw any direct connection between this and the exploded girl?
 
[Dice roll.]
 
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Rolled a 22. Say is that—that’s Occult. Then I have a 26.
 
Keeper:
Okay, well, looking it over, supposedly there’s some stuff about mothers, and fathers, and mortal women, and things like that. Mortal woman birthing a god. That could be it, but you know, this is crazy. Speaking of which, reading through this, you gain a point of Cthulhu Mythos and lose a point of Sanity.
 
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Fun!
 
Keeper:
Just reading through one page of this book. With your Occult background, looking at that other page, that ritual looks like it’s some kind of crazy call-and-response song, supposedly with this entity called the Black Goat of the Woods.
 
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
I mean, do I see words, do I see rhyming lyrics?
 
Keeper:
There’s some words. There’s some strange phonetic pronunciations. A lot of things that look like they would be incredibly hard to rhyme. Some things that are about sixteen-letter-long words with no vowels. Looks like it would be difficult, but you’ve sung worse material.
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Where the hell are you playing? I mean, really.
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Are you possessed by Father Grandfather right now?
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
It looks like someone tried to write down scat music.
 
[Cast laughs.]
 
Keeper:
So are you guys going to look over the rest of the stuff, try to see if you can find anything else?
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
I’m not touching that dead man’s body because I don’t trust him to not booby-trap his own corpse. “You die!”
 
Keeper:
Okay. So, Cyril, you’re looking over everything?
 
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Yeah, I rolled a 7 of Spot Hidden, so…
 
Keeper:
Okay. Well, you notice a kind of—propped underneath the majority of Father’s body is what looks like another book spattered in his blood. You go in and go to pull it out. Make either an Agility times 5 test or a Luck test.
 
[Dice roll.]
 
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
I rolled a 4.
 
Keeper:
That’s good.
 
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Okay.
 
Keeper:
Okay, so as you go to yank that thing out from underneath his twisted corpse, his leg, which has been bent at an unnatural angle up into the air, kind of turns a little and his shoe flops off, and a stick of dynamite lands right next to your hand as you’re pulling it out.
 
[SFX: Dramatic stinger.]
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Umm….
 
Sam Spade:
I think we just found the answer to all our problems.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Yeah, you want to—Sam, I feel like this is just a huge problem that we should just walk away from all of this.
 
Sam Spade:
I agree. Let’s blow this house up and we’ll just go out for pizza or beer.
 
Deloras Delaney:
Walk away. No turning back.
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
You don’t want to save the dynamite and burn it down instead?
 
Sam Spade:
What am I going to do with a stick of dynamite?
 
Deloras Delaney:
I think the dynamite will also burn down the house.
 
Sam Spade:
If I leave—
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
If Cyril said that there’s a birthing of a god who’s going to cause the end times…
 
Keeper:
Yeah, speaking of which, Cyril, you just kind of casually flip open to the last page—
 
[SFX: Pages turning in a book.]
 
Keeper:
—of the diary. What that seems to be, that other book you’ve taken out, and this is what you find. It’s the excerpt that the Father had read previously.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
This is another Hetfield. Oh, man.
 
“…I leave this minute for Arkham where amid the offal and decay, she awaits my call.”
 
This is dated April 15th.
 
Keeper:
Yesterday.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Yesterday. We got a crazy woman running around in Arkham. Let’s get some matches. I got some matches here.
 
Sam Spade:
I got a lighter. I’ll just—you know, well, I’ll take care of it right now.
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
You got a pipe! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Alright, everybody run!
 
Keeper:
So you light up the dynamite, toss it—
 
Sam Spade:
Oh, no, no, no. I walk outside with the stick of dynamite, light it, toss it through the window—
 
Keeper:
Throw it through the open door?
 
Sam Spade:
—and then I walk to the car. Run to the car.
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Wait, did I die for nothing?
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yes, you did!
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Did I just do that? Give my life and we’re not even at the endgame?
 
Keeper:
So you hurl the dynamite into the building—
 
[SFX: Dynamite fuse hisses. Glass shatters.]
 
Keeper:
—which has already been pretty structurally damaged. The dynamite finally brings it all—
 
[SFX: Explosion. Wooden beams ricochet.]
 
Keeper:
—collapsing down into a smokey ruin. And you guys, I guess, “cool guy” walk back to your car.
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yeah. Superhero style. As a team. Slow motion.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
You guys ever Indian Hop? Because—
 
Sam Spade:
Yeah.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
—because I’m about to—
 
Sam Spade:
On the way down, we’re about to hop.
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
I’m going to—yeah, okay, well then, I’m not above sharing because this is not—this has not been a good day.
 
[Outro Music: Groovy horns and bass vamp.]
 
Narrator:
And so the good Father is laid to rest. And while in life he may have died unmourned and unloved, the folks at Omniverse have seen fit to throw him a wake.
 
In our Patreon-exclusive podcast series, Cthulhu Cthommentary, our usual cast of creators is joined by actor Brandon Gerson, the deranged brain behind Father Grandfather, and many spirited memorials ensue.
 
[SFX: Radio static]
 
Colin Peterson - Sound Designer:
What I would love is a Father Grandfather choose-your-own-adventure, because I feel like-
 
[Cat, Luke, and Brandon laugh]
 
Colin Peterson:
His like… crazy decision-making process very much seems like choose-your-own-adventure… Like, which Bible do you bring?
 
Brandon Gerson - Actor:
The one that has a folded-up machete, the one that has a grenade- I always wanted to do a choose-your-own-adventure but with the combination of, and added benefit of, scratch-and-sniff.
 
[Cat laughs]
 
Brandon Gerson:
But I want it to be- I want it to be unusual like, “oh this thing smells like…” and you rub it, “oh! Sulphur! That means a demon’s around.”
 
[SFX: Radio static]
 
If you love The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program and would like to ensure our continued production, and perhaps even research and development on… questionable scratch and sniff products… head to Patreon.com/OmniverseMedia.
 
We may have sponsorships and ads from time to time, it’s true, but what keeps the lights on here at W.I.S. is you. Listener support is our bread and butter, so please consider joining in the funding of our endeavors in audio entertainment. And if you do - oh, the rewards we have waiting for you… again, at Patreon.com/OmniverseMedia
 
Of course, if financial contributions are out of the question, we certainly understand. You can still do us a great favor by rating and reviewing us on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser, or simply by telling a friend. It would be greatly appreciated.
 
But enough of my jabbering. How about some music? This is a record made by a troupe of vaudevillians called Walter Sickert & The Army of Broken Toys. If that sounds a little off-color and eerie to you, well, I don’t know what you’re doing up so late.
 
For all of you night owls in the mood for more grim tales, here’s a dark little ditty off their long player, Soft Time Traveler. It’s called “Devil’s in the Details.” Isn’t he just.
 
[Walter Sickert & The Army of Broken Toys: “Devil’s in the Details”]   
 
Announcer:
Thanks for listening to The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program!

Please rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser and be sure to subscribe to our series via your favorite podcast player to get all the latest episodes.

Episode 7: “The Hetfield Horror” - was written and performed by Luke Stram, Cat Blackard, Doug Banks, Kay, Brandon Gerson, and Ruel Knudson - and is based on the Call of Cthulhu module “Behold the Mother” from Dead Reckonings, published by Chaosium Incorporated.

The series is edited and produced by Colin Peterson and Cat Blackard and the original score is composed and performed by Ryan McQuinn and Mike McQuinn of Neon Dolphin - home for all your custom music needs and more. Neondolphinmusic.com.

For full episode credits, transcripts, as well as character sheets and other supplemental material - visit CthulhuMystery.com.

This program is made possible by the support of listeners like YOU. Join us at Patreon.com/OmniverseMedia

All characters appearing are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

This series is recorded and produced in Central Florida and Nashville, Tennessee on lands ruthlessly taken from their indiginous people: the Timucua and Seminole, and Yuchi, Shawnee, and Cherokee - respectively. To learn more about the first nations of the land where you live visit: native-land.ca

This has been The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program… Goodnight

[Music fades]

[Omniverse Audio Brand]