EPISODE 4: HOT LEADS & DIRTY DEEDS

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[Intro Music]
 
Gruff Voice: 
Do you hear that? 
 
[SFX: Echoing wail.]
 
Gruff Voice: 
In the cruel blackness of night, an unknowable evil from beyond time cries out! What dark deeds unfold on the streets of Arkham? And which unwitting souls, innocent or impure, will succumb to the maddening call? The call…of Cthulhu! 
 
Announcer:
America’s Natural Utility Services bring you Part 4 of The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program. Tonight’s strange story: “Hot Leads and Dirty Deeds.” 
 
Has this ever happened to you? 
 
Man [Gruff whisper]: 
Lights out, everybody. 
 
Woman: 
Hey, who put the lights out?
 
Man: 
Well, I was just trying to save on gas.
 
Woman: 
Save on gas? Dear, I’m all for penny-pinching but there’s no need!
 
Man: 
No need? What ever do you mean?
 
Woman: 
I’ve got “wet gas!” 
 
Man: 
I’ll just crack a window.
 
Woman: 
Wet gas is a new affordable kind of gas from Brown.
 
Man: 
Brown?
 
Woman: 
The Brown Gas Company! When I saw how much money we’d save, I couldn't “pass” on wet gas!
 
Man: 
Hot diggity dog! That blows regular old natural gas away!
 
Woman: 
Ask your local gas supplier if they have Brown wet gas today!
 
Announcer:
A proud subsidiary of America’s Natural Utility Services. And now, our featured program. 
 
Narrator:
The housemates of Big Mama’s Boarding House have split up in the investigation of their murdered acquaintance, Hannah Pickering. Ex-Federal Agent Sam Spade and lovable farm boy Hank Jr. are outside of town checking over the crime scene. Meanwhile, smooth-talking Cyril and dapper Ms. Delaney head to an address found on a page torn from Hannah’s diary. The whereabouts of the crazed Bible salesman, Father Grandfather, are unknown.
 
[SFX: Flies buzzing.] 
 
Keeper: 
You guys go check out the farmhouse. You guys knock on the door—
 
[SFX: Knocking at door. Dog barks.]
 
Keeper:
—it’s an old—old, New England farmhouse. Looks pretty well-kept. It’s not long until an old man answers—answers the door. 
 
[SFX: Door opens.]
 
Keeper:
He’s got a sheepdog at his side.
 
[SFX: Dog whining.]
 
Keeper:
This guy looks like he’s somewhere between sixty-five and a hundred. 
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Is he a Bible salesman? 
 
Keeper:
Probably not, as he’s in a farmhouse, but who knows? He says:
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Oh, hey there! What can I do you for, gentlemen? 
 
Sam Spade: 
Federal Agent Sam Spade, and I’m investigating the murder that occurred here last night. I was wondering if you had a moment to answer a few questions? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Oh, dear. Well, yes, yes, yes. My name’s Ryder. Montgomery Ryder. What can I do to—you guys come in, come in, come in. Let’s talk to—sofa. Don’t worry about Shep, here. He don’t bite. 
 
[SFX: Dog barking, panting.]
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Heck, he can barely see. 
 
Sam Spade:
I take off my hat, and walk into the house, and sit down on the sofa. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
I’ll follow, just—but I’m looking around, like, it’s weird. 
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Well, it’s small-town, cozy people, federal agent…
 
Keeper: 
Yeah, he makes—
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Can’t even show a badge. 
 
Keeper:
He makes you guys some coffee—
 
[SFX: Mugs clink.]
 
Keeper:
—and then proceeds to sit down besides you guys, and says:
 
Montgomery Ryder:
So, you guys are looking into the—
 
[SFX: Coffee poured out.]
 
Montgomery Ryder:
—case, huh? 
 
Sam Spade:
Yeah—
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Terrible thing. 
 
Sam Spade:
Did you know the victim? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
No, no. I didn’t even know anything happened until the police came to me this morning. 
 
Sam Spade: 
So you heard nothing outside? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
No, I’m afraid not. 
 
Sam Spade:
Any other people come up and down this road? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
No, not really. I mean, we get people heading in and out of town, but that’s it. The one thing that I—you know, I wouldn’t say there was really anything much happened. Unless you take much stock in dreams, I suppose. Had a nasty one last night. 
 
Sam Spade:
Sure, why not? I’ve got time, and a cup of coffee, and it hasn’t gotten cold yet. 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Well—
 
Sam Spade:
Mind if I smoke? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Certainly, certainly. 
 
[SFX: Match strike.]
 
Sam Spade:
I pretend to listen.
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Well, dreams are funny things. But this one was nasty. Woke up with the sweats. I was dreaming, going about my business, you know, like you do in your dreams. 
 
[SFX: Unsettling, echoey rhythmic beat.]
 
Montgomery Ryder:
And all of a sudden, I just felt this terrible sickness, you see, and I looked down at myself and I was covered in these nasty sores. They’re just weeping, and bleeding, and it was terrible. And it just kept flowing, and flowing, and didn’t stop. By the time I was drowning in it, I woke up, and Shep was barking his head off. 
 
Sam Spade:
What time did you wake up? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Oh, I don’t—I don’t remember. I don’t know, maybe about—little after midnight, probably. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
I ask him if he heard anything strange at all, like, after he woke up. Like, did he hear any commotion or trouble from the road or anything? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
No, just Shep barking like the dickens. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
Was he barking at you? Or barking at something else? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
I—barking like a crazy person. He kind of can’t hear. 
 
Sam Spade:
How’s his nose? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
His nose is okay, I suppose. I mean, you know, he still has it. 
 
Sam Spade:
You think Shep would mind taking a walk with us? Four of us out to that tree? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Sure. I’d be happy to come. Let’s go, Shep.
 
[SFX: Leash jingles.]
 
Montgomery Ryder:
It’s time we’re going to have an adventure! We’re going to help this nice policeman. 
 
[SFX: Door slams shut.]
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
While we’re walking out there, I want to know—does somebody manage it? Live on it? 
 
Keeper:
Are you just going to ask Mr. Ryder? 
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yeah. 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Oh, up at the dump? Yeah, there’s a caretaker: Mr. Coffin or something like that. 
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Duh-duh-duhhh!
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
“Mr. Coffin?”
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Okay, so does the dog act weird as we get closer to the tree or anything? 
 
Keeper:
Dog seems pretty sedate. Like, he had to be roused to leave the house. 
 
[SFX: Dog whines.]
 
Keeper:
Mr. Ryder brings the dog out. You know, you guys walk up to where the tree is. Dog sniffs around, makes a couple barks, and then growls, and then kind of, like, does a circuit around behind Mr. Ryder, and then just kind of plops down behind his legs. 
 
Sam Spade:
So it was about 12:30 that you woke up? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Yeah. 
 
Sam Spade:
From the dog barking? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Yeah. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
Officer said the call came in around 1 A.M. 
 
Sam Spade: 
Well, thank you very much for the coffee. You’ve been very helpful. 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
No problem. No problem. 
 
Sam Spade:
So we definitely got the time of death. 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Well, have a good day, gentlemen. If you need anything, you know where to find me. 
 
Sam Spade:
Absolutely. And we know where to find good coffee now. 
 
Keeper:
Yep. And he and the dog potter back to their home. 
 
Sam Spade: 
I call out to the farmer, Do you have a telephone in your house? 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Yes. Yes, I do. 
 
Sam Spade:
Would you mind calling us a cab? We’ll be back here in maybe thirty minutes. 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Certainly. Certainly. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
That’s a good idea. 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
I’ll tell them Agent Spade is looking for a cab. Certainly. 
 
Sam Spade: 
Thank you. 
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
That was smart. 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Can do. 
 
Sam Spade:
Hey, man, this ain’t my first rodeo. 
 
Montgomery Ryder:
Have a good day, Sir! 
 
Keeper:
And he makes his way back into the house. Okay, you guys wander your way up to the dump. Pretty quickly, the dump looks like it’s kind of patched-off into two areas. One is just a huge, disgusting pit with rancid—
 
[SFX: Birds cawing.]
 
Keeper:
—stagnant water at the bottom of it. It is just filled with garbage, both biological and mechanical in nature. 
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
It’s like my toilet!
 
Keeper:
Outside of that, there’s a little further—a little north of the pit is a fenced-in area that’s more like a proper junkyard in the sense that it’s covered in, you know, car parts, excess construction materials, all kinds of conceivably, potentially useful junk, although a lot of it’s exposed to the elements and has definitely seen better days. And further—at the end of the fenced-in area, there’s a rickety shack, probably belongs to the groundskeeper. 
 
Sam Spade:
This whole case is a waste of time. If this was somebody actually murdered the girl, why wouldn’t they just drag the body out here and dump it? They had plenty of time, they had no reason not to. It’s an animal attack. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
I know what I’m about to say sounds crazy, but I think maybe that crazy Father had an idea about—you said she was pregnant. You think maybe she was going to have a baby? 
 
Sam Spade:
Well, that’s usually the next logical course of—
 
[Cast laughs.]
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
But I mean—I mean the night. Like, she was going to have a baby. That’s why she laid down—
 
Sam Spade:
She wasn’t enough—no, no.
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
She laid down. She didn’t—do we—we didn’t see a track like she got knocked down. Or she was hunted down. She was staggering and then she laid down. 
 
Sam Spade:
She hasn’t been pregnant for that long. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
Yeah, but Father said that she may have had something unholy going on. 
 
Sam Spade:
This is the same Father that beat Ma in the face with a bullwhip.
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
I know it sounds crazy, but I can’t—I can’t explain the tracks that I’m seeing. No one chased her down and no one ran away. And she’s dead. 
 
Sam Spade:
She was drunk, she passed out. A bear, or a wolf, or a fox or something came in and ravaged—
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
I didn’t see a bear, or wolf, or fox track. I didn’t see any of that. 
 
Sam Spade:
Yeah, you didn’t see a lot of tracks and you could barely—and we, experienced trackers, could barely see that she even laid down! 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
That’s true. That’s true. 
 
Keeper:
Are you guys having this argument on the way to the dump, I’m assuming? 
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yeah. 
 
Keeper:
Okay. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Yeah, we must be. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. 
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Right after we passed that pit. Right after we pass that pit, that clenches it for me. This is a waste of time. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
Because anybody could’ve just thrown—
 
Sam Spade:
If I were a killer, even a dumb, stupid hick killer out in the middle of nowhere, I would’ve at least had the common sense to know that I could throw the body in here and if somebody even did notice the smell at some point—
 
Mr. Coffin:
Well, hello there, gentlemen. 
 
Sam Spade:
Aw, crap!
 
Keeper:
It looks like a rather dirty and unwashed fellow has come out of that lean-to shack. He has some grime-encrusted overalls and is pretty spectacularly unkempt to the point where you guys are having difficulty guessing this guy’s age. He’s got stubble covering his chapped cheeks and he’s got white hair that is dirty and ragged. This guy definitely looks like he’s seen better days. He comes up:
 
Mr. Coffin:
What can I—what can I do you for? 
 
Sam Spade:
I put on my most winning “I’m-so-glad-to-be-here-but-my-life-sucks-because-this-is-so-stupid-now-I’ve-got-to shake-this slimy-asshole’s-hand” face. Smile, walk up, shake his dirty-ass, freaking filthy-ass hands. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
While he’s doing that, I’m just going to try and—
 
Keeper:
It is slicked with grease of indeterminate origin. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
While he’s doing that, I’m going to causally scan the—
 
Sam Spade:
Take out my handkerchief. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
—just what I see in the dump, if there’s any kind of tracks. 
 
Keeper:
Okay. 
 
Sam Spade:
I’m Federal Agent Sam Spade and I’m investigating the murder of the girl right up the road here from—
 
Mr. Coffin:
Oh! Oh, so they brought the feds in it, huh? 
 
Sam Spade:
Unofficially. 
 
Mr. Coffin:
That’s a—good. I don’t know. What do you consider that? I guess good that y’all are here to help. 
 
Sam Spade:
I consider it necessary. 
 
Mr. Coffin: 
Okay. 
 
[Cast laughs.]
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
That is such a great agent answer! 
 
Mr. Coffin:
So what can I do for you gentlemen? 
 
Sam Spade:
Did you happen to hear anything or see anything last night? 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Nope. Nope, afraid not. Don’t really get too many people out here unless they’re coming to dump things. Or, you know, collect junk. They need car parts or, you know, whatever.
 
Sam Spade:
Paper said some interesting things about transients. You get a lot of transients that—?
 
Mr. Coffin:
Mostly the four-legged variety. 
 
Sam Spade:
Such as? 
 
Mr. Coffin:
You know, raccoons, seagulls. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Four legs? 
 
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Four-legged seagulls! 
 
Mr. Coffin: 
Occasional bear. 
 
Sam Spade:
I mouth over to—to my partner there, Bear!
 
Mr. Coffin:
Watch this!
 
Keeper:
And he reaches down and grabs up a—
 
[SFX: Metal shrieking and grinding.]
 
Keeper:
—what looks like may have possibly been part of an icebox or something and just hurls it off into the pit area. 
 
[SFX: Splash.]
 
Keeper:
And just a flock of seagulls—
 
[SFX: Birds cawing.]
 
Keeper:
—erupt into the air, cawing away. Yes. They ran. They ran so far away. 
 
[Cast laughs.]
 
Sam Spade:
That’s a lot of birds. What are they doing over there? 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Well, you know, they tend to keep a lot of garbage here, so they eat it. 
 
[Cast laughs.]
 
Sam Spade:
You mind if we look around? 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Yeah, sure. You boys want to have—come on. 
 
Sam Spade:
Mind unlocking that gate for us? 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Yeah, sure thing. 
 
Keeper:
He opens up the gate. 
 
Sam Spade:
Okay. So we’ll just kind of wander around for a bit. 
 
Keeper:
Okay. 
 
Sam Spade [to Hank O’Brien Jr.]:
Bear. Bear! He said “bear!”
 
Keeper:
Well, the pit absolutely reeks, by the way—
 
Sam Spade:
Yeah. 
 
Keeper:
Like, it’s—
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Since I—
 
Keeper:
—putrid.
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
—since my Search—my Tracking skill was terrible that last roll, I’m just going to go for Luck, see if any—if I just get lucky seeing anything over here by the pit. 
 
Keeper:
Okay. 
 
[Dice roll.]
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Man! If this was any other game, my rolls would be kick-ass! But since it’s rolling for the lowest thing—
 
Keeper:
Well, you—
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
So why are you looking for something? I mean… Alright, alright, I can look, too.
 
Keeper [to Hank O’Brien Jr.]:
You notice there’s a lot of terrible stenches. You find a lot of that. 
 
[Dice roll.]
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
55. Out of, like, 85 or something ridiculous. 
 
Keeper:
As you guys walk off, Mr. Coffin, the groundskeeper, is kind of, like, following a few steps behind you guys and has produced from somewhere on his person a flask that he is busily chugging away at. 
 
[SFX: Gulping from flask.]
 
Sam Spade:
Mr. Coffin? 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Yeah, what’s up? 
 
Sam Spade:
This would go a lot easier if we weren’t being followed. 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Oh. Oh, I get it!
 
Sam Spade:
Is there a particular reason why you’re following us? 
 
Mr. Coffin:
I get it. Are you thirsty? 
 
Sam Spade:
It’s ten o’clock in the morning, Mr. Coffin. 
 
Mr. Coffin:
What? Oh, I guess it is, but listen: junkyard time ain’t the same as normal time, but okay, fine. 
 
[Cast laughs.]
 
Sam Spade:
Okay, well, using that logic, did you see anything—see or hear anything this morning or early yesterday evening? 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Just the cops coming by. 
 
Sam Spade:
So you heard them come by or you saw them come by? 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Well, both. They talked to me, so I heard them and I saw them. 
 
Sam Spade:
What’re you drinking there? 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Oh, you know, water. 
 
Sam Spade:
I take the glass, I smell it, and I look at the label on the bottle. Do those two things match up? 
 
Keeper:
No. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
I don’t know if there’d be a label on the bottle at this time.
 
Keeper:
No. 
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
What is it? 
 
Keeper:
It is a hooch of some exceptionally powerful variety. 
 
Sam Spade:
Where do you get this stuff? I’m asking as a personal favor. 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Oh, you need some? 
 
Sam Spade:
Yeah. 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Tell you what: ten bucks gets you a barrel-full. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
Ten—?
 
Sam Spade:
How about I give you one dollar and I don’t let the official part of this step into the conversation?
 
Mr. Coffin:
Sounds like a deal. You got a deal, Sir. Hang on.
 
Keeper:
He grabs up a—from his shack—a small bottle and hands it off to you. It is very clear, but there is definitely some sort of grainy particulate matter at the bottom. 
 
Sam Spade:
You make this here? 
 
Mr. Coffin:
No, no, no. Just got—I know some people. 
 
Sam Spade:
That’s what I was asking for, was these people that you know. 
 
Mr. Coffin:
Oh, no. Well they just, you know, they stop by occasionally. You know. 
 
Sam Spade:
Okay. I’m going to take this with us. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
I think we’re tapped out. I don’t know what else we can do over here. 
 
Sam Spade:
I agree. Let’s go. That cab’s got to be here by now. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
Yeah. 
 
[Music: Jaunty jazz music plays on a record player.]
 
[SFX: Car engine.]
 
Keeper:
Cyril and Deloras make their way to the French Hills address, the address that you had found in Hannah’s room. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Yeah. 
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
We pull up to the house. What does it look like? 
 
Keeper:
North Sentinel—this house on North Sentinel Street looks like a giant, run-down shithole, but that really, like, I would say “shit” is kind of giving it too much credit. This place should be condemned. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
[Whistles.]
 
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Well, that’s ominous!
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Wow, where do we even start? 
 
[SFX: Engine turns off.]
 
Keeper:
It’s—
 
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Well, I guess we knock on the door.
 
Keeper:
Yeah, it looks like it’s about—probably about five—
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Is it even occupied? 
 
Keeper:
—five stories tall. I mean—
 
[SFX: Car doors slam.]
 
Keeper:
—it’s a big, tall house. 
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Does it look like people actually live here? Or does it look condemned? 
 
Keeper:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It looks run-down as hell, but people definitely live here. You hear some noise coming down from a—
 
[SFX: The muffled, distant strains of poorly-played jazz music.] 
 
Keeper:
—sounds like probably on the second floor there’s somebody playing jazz music. 
 
Deloras Delaney:
Oh, right up your alley, Cyril!
 
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Yeah, yeah. Does it sound good? I mean, is it a record? Is it a—is someone playing? 
 
Keeper:
It is definitely white college kids playing jazz music. 
 
[SFX: Dog barking.]
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
They’re going to be scared out of their mind. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
It could be better, but you know, it’s something in this town. 
 
Keeper:
Whatever that sound is, it’s the sound that hasn’t seen a day of suffering in its life. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Yeah, that’s—that sounds about the degree of bullshit I was expecting. Alright. 
 
Deloras Delaney:
Knock on the door. Hello? 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
I knock on the door very forcefully. 
 
[SFX: Knock at the door.]
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Very officially. Rap-a-tap-tat.
 
Keeper:
You knock on the door. You guys wait there for a few moments and eventually you guys hear some shouting from inside. 
 
Landlord [muffled]:
Just a minute. 
 
Keeper:
And the door goes swinging open to a large—
 
[SFX: Door opens.]
 
Keeper:
—and from what you guys can see, the interior is kind of a large, central corridor with stairs that go all the way up to the—to each floor. The guy in front of you definitely looks like he has seen better days. He is an old man, maybe in his seventies, maybe? He’s got bushy eyebrows, stooped, crazy shock of white hair, big crucifix on his—dangling from his neck. And he says:
 
Landlord:
What can I do to help you? 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Hannah Pickering. 
 
Landlord:
What? 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Hannah Pickering, Sir. I’m investigating the murder of Hannah Pickering, and this address was perhaps one of her last known locations. I’m looking for information. 
 
Landlord:
What’s a Hannah Pickering? I don’t—I’m guessing she’s some kind of prostitute? 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Uh, no—
 
Deloras Delaney:
What kind of house do you have here, Sir? 
 
Landlord:
What? 
 
Deloras Delaney:
I whip out a notebook and I’ll start writing. What kind of house do you have here, Sir? 
 
Landlord:
This is my home and apartments. Everybody—I’ve got tenants. I don’t know any Hannah Pickering. 
 
Deloras Delaney:
Can we speak to some of the residents? Are they home? 
 
Landlord:
Who are you guys? 
 
Deloras Delaney:
We’re investigating the Hannah Pickering—how did you not see it? It was in the newspaper! 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
We’re working in an official capacity with the police force here to investigate this murder. 
 
Keeper:
So as you guys are talking, you guys hear faintly behind you, the sound of unlatching—
 
[SFX: Fumbling and rattling coming from the trunk of the car.]
 
Keeper:
—and then a creaking as a trunk opens and then—
 
[SFX: Frenzied footsteps.]
 
Keeper:
—as running up the sidewalk behind you guys from your car where he was stashed away:
 
Father Grandfather:
Why, hello, good Sir. I see you’re wearing a crucifix. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
I push my way in the house. 
 
Landlord:
Praise Jesus, yes I am!
 
Father Grandfather:
Would you perhaps be interested in one of these here Bibles that I sell? 
 
Deloras Delaney:
I’ll follow Cyril! 
 
Landlord:
That’s a mighty fine Bible there, Sir. 
 
Father Grandfather:
Oh, yeah, let me show you. Contains the Word of the Lord. Let me just show you right here what the Word of the Lord can do. And I pull out my pipe bomb. 
 
[Cast laughs.]
 
Father Grandfather:
Now listen here. See this? This is the Word of the Lord, and the Word of the Lord incinerates all so we have some questions for you before this house goes up in flames. 
 
Landlord:
This house? Why would you—this is a house of God!
 
Father Grandfather:
What say we sit down?
 
Landlord:
This is a house of suffering! Pure, honest suffering in the name of Jesus Christ!
 
Father Grandfather:
Well, Amen, Brother! Amen, my Son. What say we go sit down on a couch and talk about this with the Word of God in my hand? 
 
Landlord:
Yes, indeed, let us go.
 
Father Grandfather:
Alright. Let’s all of us go. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Deloras and I have already walked inside the door. We didn’t hear most of that. 
 
Deloras Delaney:
We just ducked in as soon as he came up as a distraction. 
 
Keeper:
He totally forgot the two of you existed as soon as he started engaging with the Bible salesman. As you guys are making your way in—I guess you guys are going up the steps because he’s actually leading him in toward the door for the first floor. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Yes. We’re going to go to where that weak-sauce jazz music was coming from. 
 
[Cast laughs.]
 
Keeper:
So you guys make your way up to the second floor. As you guys are walking up the stairs, you guys hear a chanted chorus of “Praise Jesus! Hallelujah!” coming from below you as the Bible salesman and the landlord engage each other.
 
Landlord: 
He is sacred to to me! Deep in my heart, this suffering of this entire building is His will and through it we become pure, that we may better understand Him. You see, for the Lord suffered so that we can suffer, so that when we die miserable deaths, bleeding, and puking, and shitting our guts out, we can ascend to heaven where we can suckle at the teat of righteousness. 
 
Father Grandfather:
Amen! Amen! Little Baby Vanilla Jesus. 
 
Keeper [to Cyril and Deloras]:
The two of you make your way up to the second floor, rap on the door—
 
[SFX: Gentle knock at the door.]
 
Keeper:
—the door has been flung open to apartment two—
 
[SFX: Door opens.]
 
Keeper:
—there is a relatively well-heeled looking college student. 
 
Spencer Updike:
How can I help you cats? 
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
There’s two of them, right? 
 
Keeper:
There’s just one guy. 
 
Deloras Delaney:
Just one guy? Have you heard of a Hannah—
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Pickering! Hannah Pickering. That name ring any bells for you? 
 
Spencer Updike:
No, no, no. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Blond girl, twenties. 
 
Deloras Delaney:
Walks with a limp? 
 
Spencer Updike:
Her name’s not Hannah! 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
That a fact? 
 
Spencer Updike:
Yeah!
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
What’s—what’s her name, Friend?
 
Spencer Updike:
Miriam. 
 
[SFX: Dramatic stinger.]
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
You don’t say. 
 
Spencer Updike:
Yeah.
 
Deloras Delaney:
Does this Miriam have a last name? 
 
Spencer Updike:
I don’t remember. ‘H’-something. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Well, what can—Miriam? Let me tell you something—
 
Spencer Updike:
Yeah, she lives up in the attic. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Up in the attic, yeah. What do you know about Miriam? 
 
Spencer Updike:
She’s a hot piece, let me tell you. 
 
Deloras Delaney:
Really into limps, huh? 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
A real ripe tomato, huh? 
 
Spencer Updike:
Oh, yeah. I’ve been there a few times. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
No shit! Get outta town! Well, look, man, you know she was pregnant? 
 
Spencer Updike:
What? What? What? Oh, well, no. I didn’t know that. That’s a real—that’s a real gas. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
I mean, you had her—you had her a couple times. She going steady with anybody? 
 
Spencer Updike:
Well, not really so much. But anyways, I don’t know, man. She sees a lot of guys. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Is that a business for her? Or she just sees a lot of guys? 
 
Spencer Updike:
Yeah. She’s real friendly. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Yeah? Alright. Well, what’s your name, pal? 
 
Spencer Updike:
Updike. Spencer Updike. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Spencer. 
 
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
That doesn’t sound like total bullshit!
 
Spencer Updike:
I—yeah. Who are you guys? Who do you work for? 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Well, we’re operating in an official capacity here, Spencer. 
 
Spencer Updike:
Really? Oh. Why? What’s the matter? 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
You know what? We’re going to check out that room. You—you chill out here. We might come back. Got some questions. But hey, don’t worry, pal. You’re just fine. You’re just fine. 
 
Spencer Updike:
Okay. 
 
Deloras Delaney:
Here’s hoping you don’t have blood on your hands. Wink. Walk out the door. 
 
Spencer Updike:
What? Why? What….
 
Cyril Bridgewater [to Spencer Updike]:
Hey, she’s real funny. Tell you what: you keep practicing that jazz music, okay? 
 
Spencer Updike:
Yeah, yeah. I know how to play the instruments. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Hey, tell you what, you know, you keep playing, maybe I’ll show you a thing or two just, you know, just mellow out, friend. Mellow out. 
 
Spencer Updike:
Yeah, sure. 
 
Cyril Bridgewater:
Do what you got to do. 
 
Spencer Updike:
Blood. Okay. Bye. 
 
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
It’s like, “Her name’s Miriam.” “So what’s the last name?” “Miriam Webster.” And you see the dictionary’s on the shelf. “You son of a bitch!”
 
[Outro Music: Ethereal ambient piano tones.]
 
Narrator:
Well, well, well. In Arkham things are seldom what they seem and mysteries abound. Be sure to not miss an episode of our series by subscribing to us on your favorite podcast player. And if you’d be so kind, we’d love it if you’d leave us a rating or a review on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser. 
 
You know, this is an improvised show, which means that there’s always twists and turns that our investigators don’t take. For instance:

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[SFX: Radio static]

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Cat Blackard - Showrunner: 
So now we’re at the French Hills neighborhood - tell me about French Hills. Do they like to french kiss up in French Hills?

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Doug Banks - Actor: 
Hannah’s alter ego was doin’ some french kissin’ up in French Hills.

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Luke Stram - Keeper: 
Yeah, there’s actually so much going on in this place - this house on North Sentinel Street. Almost 4 pages of it.

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Cat Blackard: 
Woah!

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Luke Stram: 
There are entire families that you guys didn’t talk to that live in that house.

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Cat Blackard: 
Colin, this is your segment, bud!

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Doug Banks: 
[Laughs]

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Luke Stram: 
Yeah.

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Colin Peterson - Sound Designer: 
Yes, thank you! This is EXACTLY what I’m lookin’ for!

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[Cast laughs.]
 
[SFX: Radio static]

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Narrator:

If you’re curious about these roads not taken then you simply must hear Cthulhu Cthommentary - our episodic explorations publishing weekly at Patreon.com/OmniverseMedia. 
 
Invest in the creation of our dark arts and ye shall be rewarded! You’ll be kept up to date on our latest productions and up to your eyeballs in bonus content for our sinister series. 
 
Speaking of eyes, I went to the optometrist today. It looks like I’m going to need to invest in a pair of glasses, which will... take some getting used to. Eyes are funny things, aren’t they? They can tell you a lot about a person. Like a tell during a game of cards: someone’s eye might twitch if they’re bluffing. Then there’s the old superstition that if your eye starts twitching involuntarily, it might be an omen. If it’s the right eye, you’re going to hear some good news. If it’s the left, well, you better keep an eye out. I know, I know. You’re thinking, “Ai-yai-yai! Enough about eyes, already.” 
 
Well, I hope you’ll allow me one final musing on the world of optics. This is a song performed by Architects of Fear. A rather interesting group that incorporates an unusual instrument called the autoharp. And this is a song called “Eyes”.
 
[Architects of Fear: “Eyes”]

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Thanks for listening to The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program! 

Please rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser and be sure to subscribe to our series via your favorite podcast player to get all the latest episodes.

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Episode 4 - “Hot Leads and Dirty Deeds” - was written and performed by Luke Stram, Cat Blackard, Doug Banks, Kay, Brandon Gerson, and Ruel Knudson - and is based on the Call of Cthulhu module “Behold the Mother” from Dead Reckonings, published by Chaosium Incorporated. Additional performance by Jessica Uelmen.

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The series is edited and produced by Colin Peterson and Cat Blackard and the original score is composed and performed by Ryan McQuinn and Mike McQuinn of Neon Dolphin - home for all your custom music needs and more. Neondolphinmusic.com.

For full episode credits, transcripts, as well as character sheets and other supplemental material - visit CthulhuMystery.com.

This program is made possible by the support of listeners like YOU. Join us at Patreon.com/OmniverseMedia

All characters appearing are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. 

This series is recorded and produced in Central Florida and Nashville, Tennessee on lands ruthlessly taken from their indigenous people: the Timucua and Seminole, and Yuchi, Shawnee, and Cherokee - respectively. To learn more about the first nations of the land where you live visit: native-land.ca

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This has been The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program… Goodnight

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[Music fades]

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[Omniverse Audio Brand]