EPISODE 2: TRESPASSERS

[Omniverse Audio Brand]

ANNOUNCER:
The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program is for mature audiences only. This episode contains violence, gore, harsh and lewd language, child endangerment and abuse, bullying, alcohol use, violence towards house pets, vomit, rot, and putrescence.

Please listen at your own discretion.

If you find our stygian stories simply scintillating, unlock further secrets at Patreon.com/OmniverseMedia, and help us fund future series via our IndieGoGo campaign at CthulhuMystery.com/crowdfund.

[SFX: Radio static, the dial tunes until...]

[The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program intro plays—sinister]

GRUFF VOICE:
Do you hear that?

[SFX: Eerie wailing]

GRUFF VOICE:
In the cruel blackness of night, an unknowable evil from beyond time cries out! What dark deeds unfold on the streets of Arkham? And which unwitting souls, innocent or impure, will succumb to the maddening call? The Call...of Cthulhu!

[Music swells and fades]

ANNOUNCER:
Tawse Teas bring you Part 2 of The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program: “Night at Howling House.” Tonight’s chilling chapter: “Trespassers.”  

BRITISH WOMAN:
Tawse Teas are the pinnacle of British refinement and refreshment. A testament to a discipline that exacts perfection. English know from a young age there’s always a right way and a wrong way of doing things.

PROPER CHILD:
One should never clink the spoon against the side of the cup.

BRITISH WOMAN:
Especially when it comes to tea.

[SFX: Ceramic clink]

BRITISH WOMAN:
Tawse Teas are made the right way: gently hand-rolled to release bold flavors and aromas. Lesser tea companies thrash their poor tea leaves, a brutish and cheap practice. When you purchase Tawse Teas, each sip is soothing and civilized.

IMPROPER CHILD:
I don’t care for tea at all.

BRITISH WOMAN:
[Clears throat]
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

[SFX: A merciless switching]

IMPROPER CHILD:
Ow! No! No! Please, stop! Please, M'am.

BRITISH WOMAN:
Let’s try this again… Don’t you care for tea?

IMPROPER CHILD:
Well…I don’t dislike it with lemon.

BRITISH WOMAN:
Acceptable. Tawse Teas, like good children: never beaten.

NARRATOR:
Neighborhood bully, Roger Simmons, has coerced four children into a dangerous dare: spend the night at Howling House—a dilapidated and desolate dwelling on the edge of Arkham. If conflicting rumors are to be believed, this house has played host to disappearances, hauntings, and brutal murders galore. A terrible storm has rolled in and now, against better judgment, Woods the Boy Scout, Chelsea the tagalong, Dirt the downtrodden, and Joey the troublemaker all run after Roger to take shelter in this malevolent manor.

[SFX: Ominous crack of thunder]

[SFX: Heavy rain]

[SFX: Sinister metallic creaking]

ROGER:
[Laughs sinisterly]

[SFX: Frantic footsteps]

KEEPER:
The lot of you stumble up onto the leaking, dripping porch.

ROGER:
Invigorating, isn’t it?

CHELSEA:
Charlie got all wet…

JOEY:
That’s not all that’s all wet… Diiiirt! Feels nice to take a bath, huh?

DIRT:
It’s cold but very nice, yes, thank you.

[SFX: Confident footsteps]

ROGER
[Humming a tune under his breath]

[SFX: Jingling keys]

ROGER:
I unlock the front door—

[SFX: Rusty hinges]

ROGER:
 —and I push it open.

KEEPER:
Chelsea, Woods, Joey, and Dirt: as the door swings open, you’re shocked to see…it’s bright in here. There are candles everywhere. Clustered all down the house’s central hallway, on tables, on the staircase, and in the corners of the room. They’re all yellowed, and they look homemade: imperfect shapes and different sizes.

WOODS:
[Hushed]
What in the Sam Hill…?

JOEY:
G’wan, Dirt!
I shove him forward.

[SFX: Heavy thud]

DIRT:
I’m gonna go first ’cause I’m nice and everyone wants me to go first.

ROGER:
[Mock politeness]
After you, Dirt. I’m so glad you could be here tonight.

DIRT:
I’m so—you’re my best friend, Roger.

ROGER:
I whap him violently in the back of the head.

[SFX: Dull thud]

ROGER:
Get IN there, ya little squirt.

DIRT:
[Laughing in pain]
Thanks.

JOEY:
[Laughs sinisterly]

WOODS:
Roger, we can’t stay here. There’s clearly someone here. There are candles… Someone is using this as their house!

ROGER:
Until dawn, Woods! We’re sticking it out. Otherwise, no deal for you! You get me?

WOODS:
Alright. Fine, fine, fine. You set these candles up?

ROGER:
Yeah.

JOEY:
Lookin’ good!

ROGER:
Pretty crafty, right? Yeah, I think I did a good job.

JOEY:
It looks good!

ROGER:
Thank you.

JOEY:
I like it!

ROGER:
Thank you, Joey.

JOEY:
Nice!

ROGER:
He gets it. You should get it.

JOEY:
Hey.

CHELSEA:
Did you, like, hoard bacon fat to make them out of? Because that’s what—that’s what it looks like they’re made out of.  

ROGER:
I made a candle or two in my day. You gotta—you gotta rend the animal fat, you know? It’s a dirty job. It ain’t for sissies.

JOEY:
Not for sissies.

WOODS:
Alright, alright, alright, alright, fine. Fine.

CHELSEA:
I’m gonna cling to Tommy’s pant leg as I follow him in.

WOODS:
Well, I’m not going in yet! I’m waiting for—I’m waiting for Joey to go in.

JOEY:
[Laughs]
You think I’m going in before you, you’re out of your mind! Get in there, man!

WOODS:
Ah, fine.
I put my arm around Chelsea and—

[SFX: Hesitant, shuffling footsteps]

WOODS:
—we walk into the house.

[SFX: Creaking, rusty hinges swing shut]

ROGER:
And as Joey brings up the rear, I lock the door behind everyone.

[SFX: Ominous click of a lock]

KEEPER:
The first thing that hits you is this stink of urine, moldy carpet, and old wood. There’s a give to the floorboards beneath you. Not too much; it seems safe, but everything about this house is just aged and fetid. Aside from the candles, the strangest thing about this room is the wildly overgrown houseplants lining the hallway. Speckled vines spilling from hanging pots, tangling in the exposed laths beneath the cracked plaster and peeling wallpaper.

CHELSEA:
[Whining]
This is gross! It smells in here, Tommy!

JOEY:
You hungry, Dirt?

DIRT:
Yeah…

[SFX: Rustling of foliage]

JOEY:
Why don’t you eat some leaves?!

WOODS:
Nobody touch anything!

DIRT:
[Disappointed]
Oh...

KEEPER:
On either side of you are two open entryways, both lit with candles. To the right is what looks like may have been a dining room with remnants of a chandelier hanging crookedly over a table. To the left is a parlor where guests would’ve been entertained at one time. It’s filled with dusty chairs and couches, all of them in terrible disrepair spilling their stuffing. In front of you is the staircase, ascending into the darkness of an unlit second floor. Beyond that, the hallway ends in a boarded-up window, with a door to the side of the hall, perhaps another behind the stairs.

WOODS:
Roger, we are staying in just this room.

ROGER:
[Laughs mischievously]

WOODS:
You said till dawn? This is it. We’re just staying in just this room. I am not taking my little sister throughout this entire house. There could be broken bits of—of—of wood. People could get injured. I am not taking my little sister—

JOEY:
Listen to the—

WOODS:
—throughout this house.

JOEY:
—Boy Scout over here.

WOODS:
[Sighs heavily]

[SFX: Plodding footsteps]

ROGER:
I’m walking over to the parlor. I lean back on a moldy, disgusting couch.

[SFX: Groaning of old furniture springs]

ROGER:
You can hear the springs squeaking as I settle into it. I just kick back.
We got all night, Woods. Might as well explore. Have fun, kids!

CHELSEA:
I let go of Tommy’s leg and follow Roger into the parlor.

WOODS:
Chelsea! What did I just say?

CHELSEA:
It smells like pee over there, Tommy.

ROGER:
I like the cut of your sister’s jib, Woods! She’s tough! You should take more after her.

[SFX: Gnawing and chewing]

CHELSEA:
He thinks I’m a baby.

ROGER:
[Laughs]

DIRT:
[Moans while chewing]

WOODS:
Hey!

JOEY:
[Laughs]

WOODS:
Dirt!

JOEY:
Sick!

WOODS:
[Panicking]
No, Joey—Dirt! Spit those out!

DIRT:
But…

ROGER & JOEY:
[Egging him on, chanting]
Dirt! Dirt! Dirt! Dirt!

WOODS:
C’mon stop it, he could get sick! Dirt, if you’re hungry I have trail mix.

ROGER & JOEY:
Dirt! Dirt! Dirt! Dirt!

DIRT:
[Spits out the plants]

ROGER & JOEY:
[Laughing uproariously]

KEEPER:
Chelsea, while your brother is distracted, you take in the parlor. Behind the couch where Roger is sitting, against a far wall, there’s an empty fireplace with a carved wooden mantle. Next to it, you notice a battered knapsack crammed in the corner.

CHELSEA:
Ooh! I set Charlie down on one of the chairs—

[SFX: Cautious footsteps]

CHELSEA:
—and head right over to the knapsack. I start rooting through it—

[SFX: Canvas thud]

CHELSEA:
—seeing what I can find.

KEEPER:
It’s a bunch of odds and ends.

[SFX: Rummaging]

KEEPER:
There’s a sewing kit, a matchbox with a few pieces of chalk in it, a tobacco pouch with no tobacco in it, rolling papers for cigarettes, a few cans of food. But most notably there’s a wad of bills: looks like five dollars, which is a lot. And, oh, also a pocket knife!

CHELSEA:
Ooh! I stuff them into my apron! It has pockets.

KEEPER:
And there’s a small, metal container with liquid inside.

[SFX: Metallic clinking]

KEEPER:
Maybe it’s water. Or juice! Who knows?

[SFX: Liquid sloshing]

ROGER:
What you got there, kid?

CHELSEA:
Oh, I found a knife! Look!

WOODS:
[Sputtering]
Chelsea, what are you doing!?

[SFX: Rapid footsteps]

WOODS:
Why do you have a knife?

ROGER:
Oh, that’s a nice knife, Woods!

JOEY:
Yeah. A real nice knife.

ROGER:
Maybe, you know, maybe you don’t need to be here. Maybe you could just take this knife and give it to your Scout Master.

WOODS:
You know what, Roger? Just—can we talk about this in the morning? Chelsea—

ROGER:
[Laughs]

WOODS:
—why do you have a knife?

CHELSEA:
It was in the bag! And finder’s keepers!

WOODS:
Why would you touch that? A random knapsack? In Howling House? You don’t just find a knife and put it in your pocket! What else did you find?

ROGER:
Finders, keepers, Woods!

WOODS:
What else did you find, Chelsea?

CHELSEA:
I found this little canteen.
I pull the canteen—

[SFX: Metallic clinking]

CHELSEA:
—out of my pocket and I give it to him.

WOODS:
That’s not a canteen—

DIRT:
Oooo!

WOODS:
—Chelsea.

DIRT:
Oh, that looks like Daddy’s juice.

ROGER:
[Laughs]
Yeah!

JOEY:
Hey, let me see that “canteen” real quick!

DIRT:
I’ve never had Daddy’s juice.

WOODS:
I give it to Joey.

JOEY:
[Laughs]

[SFX Liquid is swigged]

CHELSEA:
I put the knife back in my pocket when Tommy’s not looking.

JOEY:
Blehhhh!
[Coughs and chokes]
Whatever’s in it went bad, man!

ROGER:
Joey!

JOEY:
Roger, you want some of this?

ROGER:
[Laughs]
Yeah, I do!

JOEY:
Here you go.
I toss it to Roger.

[SFX: Metallic clinking]

DIRT:
Oh, guys, I just want some Daddy juice. I’ve never had it.

[SFX: Liquid is swigged]

DIRT:
It looks delicious.

ROGER:
You want a swig, Woods?

WOODS:
No! I am not having a swig.

JOEY:
Dirt?

DIRT:
Oh, yes. Please.

ROGER & JOEY:
[Chanting]
Dirt! Dirt Dirt! Dirt!

DIRT:
Alright! Here I—

ROGER & JOEY:
Dirt! Dirt! Dirt! Dirt!

DIRT:
—am drinking it now.

[SFX: Liquid is swigged]

ROGER & JOEY:
Whoa!
[Laughter]

JOEY:
You drank way more than us!

CHELSEA:
I want some!

WOODS:
Chelsea, no. You are not tasting this.

CHELSEA:
But I want to try it!
And I’m opening—

WOODS:
Chelsea—

CHELSEA:
—the canteen—

WOODS:
And I knock it out—

[SFX: Clatter and clink of flask]

WOODS:
—of her hand.

CHELSEA:
You spilled it all!

DIRT:
My stomach is burning.

WOODS:
You delinquents are not giving liquor to my little sister. You hear me?

JOEY:
Oh-ho, tough guy now! Ruining it for the rest of us!

WOODS:
You wanna mess around in a house where people have been murdered? Fine! Let’s mess around!
[Out of Character]: I’m gonna look in the fireplace. I’m gonna Notice Stuff. 24 to my 60.

KEEPER:
Underneath one of the chairs next to the fireplace is a slightly bent fireplace poker. It’s a big, hefty piece of iron. And looks like it could do some damage.

WOODS:
I’m gonna pull it out.

KEEPER:
As you reach down and grab up the fireplace—

[SFX: Poker being pulled up]

KEEPER:
—poker you look up at the fireplace itself and you can see up into the fireplace. The flue is definitely jammed shut. It looks like something’s caught in it.

WOODS:
Something’s caught in the flue, guys. I don’t—I mean, obviously it’s a rusted-down thing… Dirt! Do you want to look to see if you can—

DIRT:
Ehhh… I don’t feel so good. But if—

WOODS:
Here, take this—

[SFX: Metallic clinking]

WOODS:
—poker.

DIRT:
If you want me to go up, if that’ll make you happy, I’ll do it.

WOODS:
Yeah! Yeah, go for it.

DIRT:
I’m climbing up the chimney now.

KEEPER:
Dirt, you give it your all—

[SFX: Rusted metal squeals]

KEEPER:
—trying to push that flue open while Woods—

[SFX: Metal creaks and groans]

KEEPER:
—presses against the lever. And slowly—

[SFX: Metal groans and gives]

KEEPER:
—it begins to give way, this creaking, rusty noise. And then—

DIRT:
I look up with my mouth open.

JOEY:
[Out of Character]:
[Laughs]

DIRT:
Gaping open. Going, “Ahhhh!”

JOEY:
[Out of Character]:
[Laughs]

KEEPER:
In a—in a flash it suddenly snaps—

[SFX: Metal shrieks]

KEEPER:
—and the flue—

[SFX: Ash sifting down]

KEEPER:
—cracks open. And a pile of ash comes down, covering Dirt.

DIRT:
Oh, delicious!

KEEPER:
Along with something else: the desiccated corpse of a raccoon lands—

[SFX: Heavy thud]

KEEPER:
—right on his face.

[SFX: Squelching]

WOODS:
[Moans disgustedly]

ROGER & JOEY:
[Laughs]

KEEPER:
Everybody, make a Sanity check.

CHELSEA [Out of Character]:
I got a 65 out of my 75.

JOEY [Out of Character]:
I made it.

WOODS  [Out of Character]:
75 to my 65. I failed.

KEEPER:
Woods loses a point of Sanity.

DIRT [Out of Character]:
Oh no! 61 out of 40. I failed.

KEEPER:
Dirt, you lose two points of Sanity as you claw this thing from your face, screaming in terror.

WOODS & DIRT:
[Terrified screaming]

ROGER & JOEY:
[Laugh]

DIRT:
[Spitting, coughing]

WOODS:
Dirt, what is that thing? Get it off of your face!

DIRT:
It’s food, but it’s spoiled.

WOODS:
Ugh! Get it out of your mouth!

DIRT:
Okay.

CHELSEA:
Can I touch it?

WOODS:
No, Chelsea, stay back!

DIRT:
[Panicked screaming]

ROGER & JOEY:
[Laugh]

DIRT:
My head’s spinning from the Daddy juice. And the coon meat, the rotten coon meat in my mouth.

WOODS:
I have to—I have to get out of this.

[SFX: Panicked footsteps]

WOODS:
I have to get—there’s a rotting raccoon. I’m going through the doors to the rear of the house.

CHELSEA:
Tommy, wait! Wait up! Wait. Up.

ROGER:
Where ya goin’, ya ninny?

KEEPER:
You push through the door—

[SFX: Heavy door opens]

KEEPER:
—in the back of the parlor and find yourself in a family room. There aren’t any candles in here, though. And although it’s as musty as the rest of the house so far, your nose also pricks up with the faint aroma of tobacco smoke.

WOODS:
I switch on my flashlight.

[SFX: Switch flicked]

KEEPER:
Your beam traces over the room. It’s lined with shelves, cluttered with knickknacks. Especially animal miniatures in porcelain, glass, and metal. There are cats, foxes, birds, deer. Most of them—

[SFX: Thunder rumbles distantly]

KEEPER:
—are still up on the shelves. Some of them are knocked over. Some of them look like they’ve been intentionally smashed on the ground. Higher up, on the top shelf and mounted on the wall, you notice taxidermy: a buck’s head, some ducks, an otter…seemingly hunting trophies.

[SFX: Footsteps]

CHELSEA:
Ooh! Neat!

WOODS:
Chelsea, be careful!

KEEPER:
But then…you see a creature with slate gray glistening fur. It spooks you for a moment before you realize it’s frozen in place like the others. It’s just…maybe a stuffed cat? Who would stuff a cat?

[SFX: Dramatic stinger]

WOODS:
Who would stuff a cat?

CHELSEA:
Can you get it for me?

WOODS:
No, I am not getting you the cat. Joey? Can you reach this thing?

[SFX: Footsteps]

JOEY:
What’re you yelling about in here?

WOODS:
There’s this weird cat thing in this—in the top of this—can you get this down?

JOEY:
No! Look at that thing!

WOODS:
I have—I have an interest in taxidermy and I have never seen anything—

JOEY:
Since when—

WOODS:
—like this in my whole—

JOEY:
—did you have an interest in taxis?

WOODS:
[Sighs]

CHELSEA:
Joey, just the kitty for me, please!

WOODS:
Taxiderm—Chelsea, hold on one second. It is—taxidermy is the study of dead things and making them beautiful—

JOEY:
“Taxidermy?”

WOODS:
—once again by—by turning them into glorious statues. Joey, could you get this—

JOEY:
Oh, you mean animal stuffers?

WOODS:
—down for me?

JOEY:
[Laughs]

WOODS:
Yes! Could you get—I want to study—I want to study this beautiful cat.

JOEY:
Ahh, fine, whatever. Hold my jacket.

KEEPER:
Joey grabs himself up a wooden chair—

[SFX: Wooden chair legs slide on floorboards]

KEEPER:
—pushes it up against the wall and reaches up to grab down that stuffed cat. And as he does, an ear-shattering howl—

[SFX: Otherworldly, shrieking howl]

KEEPER:
—emits from this thing and its eyes blink open. Everybody, make a Sanity check.

WOODS [Out of Character]:
Seventy-six. I failed!

CHELSEA [Out of Character]:
Forty-five. I passed.

JOEY [Out of Character]:
I lost three Sanity.

WOODS [Out of Character]:
And I lost two.

KEEPER:
The cat screams madly—

[SFX: Hissing, spitting]

KEEPER:
—Joey screams in terror and is soon joined by Woods’s terrified screams as well—

JOEY & WOODS
[Terrified screaming]

KEEPER:
—as the cat leaps at Joey’s face!

[SFX: Frantic footsteps]

WOODS:
Oh, my God! What is that thing?

JOEY:
Whoa! What is that?

WOODS & JOEY:
WHAT IS THAT?

WOODS:
Get it off of your face!

JOEY:
That thing is not dead! Not dead!

WOODS:
I go—and I go and I grab the cat and I try and rip it off of his face. I try and—

CHELSEA:
Kitty!

WOODS:
—rip the cat off of his face.

CHELSEA:
Oh, I want the kitty!

WOODS:
No, you don’t!
And I’m trying to rip it off of Joey’s face!

JOEY:
That is not a cat! Ahhhhh!

[SFX: Feline hissing]

KEEPER:
This cat leaps onto Joey’s face. Joey screams in terror and—

[SFX: Blundering]

KEEPER:
—stumbles back—

[SFX: Wooden chair hits the floor]

KEEPER:
—off the chair onto the ground as this thing is standing on his chest—

[SFX: Hissing and swiping]

KEEPER:
—hissing and scratching at him.

WOODS:
And I’m trying—I’m trying to grab it. I’m trying to rip it off!

JOEY:
Ahhhhh! Get it off me, man!

CHELSEA:
I’m going to reach out, I’m going to try to pet the kitty.

JOEY:
[Screams]
What’s wrong with your sister, man?

WOODS:
I don’t know! Try to get the—Chelsea, what are you doing?

JOEY:
HELP ME!

CHELSEA [Out of Character]:
I get an eleven!

[SFX: Hissing and spitting]

JOEY:
I don’t even like animals, dude!

CHELSEA:
I want to pet the kitty!

DIRT [Out of Character]:
Do I hear the screaming?

KEEPER:
Oh, everyone hears the screaming.

ROGER:
Never mind them, Dirt. Eat s’more of these leaves!

[SFX: Rustling of leaves]

DIRT:
Okay…

KEEPER:
Chelsea calmly reaches down and scoops up the cat. The cat goes silent and kind of crawls its way up to her neck.

WOODS:
Joey, are you okay?

JOEY:
No!

WOODS:
Do you need first aid assistance?

JOEY:
I don’t—just leave me alone for a second, man.

WOODS:
Do you have any—do you have any—you might have cat scratch fever!

JOEY:
[Moaning]
Oh, my God! Burns so bad!

CHELSEA:
Joey, you need to be quiet now! The kitty…

[SFX: Purring]

KEEPER:
Chelsea, the cat nuzzles against your face.

[SFX: Meowing]

KEEPER:
And then you hear a whisper.

THE CAT:
[Echoes, in a round]
You’re going to die tonight.

CHELSEA:
The kitty talks!

WOODS:
What?

JOEY:
What did you just say?

KEEPER:
That’s when the cat begins howling—

[SFX: Hissing]

KEEPER:
— and slashes out at you with its claws.

[SFX: Feral shriek]

KEEPER:
It catches you across the face and you take a point of damage as the cat wriggles out of your hands.

CHELSEA:
Ow! That hurts!

WOODS:
I go to grab this—this feral cat!

KEEPER:
Make a Fight roll.

[SFX: Hissing and yowling]

WOODS [Out of Character]:
A Fight roll. 40 of 33. I’m gonna spend seven points of Luck to grab this thing.

KEEPER:
Okay.

WOODS [Out of Character]:
I’m at 55 Luck.

KEEPER:
Woods, you grab this cat—

[SFX: Hissing and spitting]

KEEPER:
—and it is fighting against you, howling and screaming. You’ve got a hold on it but it’s not good. This thing is bucking like wild.

[SFX: Thudding]

WOODS:
Joey! Use your jacket! Grab it—wrap it up in your jacket!

JOEY:
I’ve got a better idea!
I’m gonna use…the switchblade.

[SFX: Flick of a switchblade]

WOODS [Out of Character]:
Oh, shit!

JOEY:
Alright, man, move out of the way! I’ve got my switchblade.

WOODS:
What’re you doing? Pulling out a knife!?

JOEY:
Oh, just watch your face, man!

WOODS:
I asked you to put it in a jacket, not kill it—

[SFX: Hissing, clawing]

KEEPER:
Joey drives his switchblade into the cat’s—

[SFX: Stabbing]

[SFX: Pained yowling]

KEEPER:
—side. The cat howls and is bleeding everywhere—

[SFX: Thrashing and flailing]

KEEPER:
—and is bucking and screaming.

ROGER:
And Roger charges in,
Hey, what’s going—what’s going on?

WOODS:
And I fling the cat towards Roger in surprise. And blood just splatters all over his face.

ROGER:
I catch the cat.

WOODS [Out of Character]:
[Laughs]

KEEPER:
Gotta roll for that, Roger.

ROGER [Out of Character]:
82 out of 45, heh.

KEEPER:
Roger goes to catch this cat but he’s kind of slow on the draw with it. He’s got his arms out wide. The cat actually flies at him, hits him in the chest—

[SFX: Heavy thud]

ROGER:
Ow!

KEEPER:
—grabs on tightly. In just a flash—

[SFX: Heavy thud]

KEEPER:
—pulls itself up and over his shoulder—

ROGER:
Ow! Hey!

KEEPER:
—and dives off into the shadows—

[SFX: Animal bounding away]

KEEPER:
—fleeing at maximum speed into the hallway—

CHELSEA:
[Crying]

KEEPER:
—and somewhere else in the house.

JOEY:
Did you see that thing take off like that?

WOODS:
Roger, what are you doing? Why did you let go of the cat?

JOEY:
That thing is fast for being stabbed, man. Wow.

WOODS:
Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea. It’s okay. The cat, I’m sure, will be fine. I’m sure it’s—Chelsea—

ROGER:
[Laughs]

WOODS [Out of Character]:
I’m gonna Be a Pal to my sister. I’m gonna Be a Pal. I’m gonna Be a Pal to my sister. I rolled—
[Laughs]

JOEY [Out of Character]:
[Laughs]

WOODS [Out of Character]::
—a 65 to my 30.

ROGER:
Good luck turnin’ off the waterworks, Woods!
[Laughs]

[SFX: Heavy door opens]

DIRT:
Roger, the leaves made me sick. I threw up. I’m sorry. Did she throw up, too?

JOEY:
Oh, this has got to stop
[Out of Character]:
I’m gonna roll for Be Bossy. I got a 60 in that and I rolled a 30.
Alright, Chelsea! Listen to me, okay? You calm down right now! Quit the crying. Look, look—I had to stab the cat; it was attacking us! That thing’s wild! It’s not something you can pet. It ran away. So it’s gonna be fine. Trust me. Calm down. Pipe down. Everything’s fine now. I guarantee it.

CHELSEA:
Okay. Okay.

WOODS:
Chelsea, what did the cat say? What were you saying that the cat could speak?

CHELSEA:
It said that we were all gonna die.

[SFX: Ominous rumble of thunder]

WOODS:
What?!

JOEY:
Whoa!

ROGER:
[Laughs]

JOEY;
I am not regretting that I stabbed that cat!

WOODS:
I am not regretting that you stabbed that cat!

[SFX: High-five]

JOEY:
I’m just saying!

DIRT:
Guys, who’s stabbing a cat? What’s happening?

ROGER:
Is this great, or what? You guys are such chickens!

DIRT:
Ugghhh chicken? Where?

WOODS:
A cat just told my sister that we’re all gonna die tonight. And you’re trying to tell us that we’re chicken?

DIRT:
Uhhh—no more chickens.

WOODS:
We need to get out of this house right now!

ROGER:
This? This is the big, tough Boy Scout? You think that a cat talked to you?
[Laughs]
This house is really getting to you, Woods! You’re gonna believe your little sister?
[Laughs]

DIRT:
My dead mother talks to me all the time!

ROGER:
That’s rich.

DIRT:
So I think it’s normal.

ROGER:
Oh, does she tell you what a great lover I am?

DIRT:
I mean, she might? She says nice things to me when I can’t fight back and…

ROGER:
Hey. Hey, Dirt.

DIRT:
Y-Yes?

ROGER:
I choke the chicken when I think about her rotting pussy.

WOODS:
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Okay. Alright.

DIRT:
Good! Chickens are bad!

WOODS:
You’re—

ROGER:
Yeah!

WOODS:
My sister—
And I put my hands, like, over my sister’s ears.

ROGER:
You ever choked a chicken, Dirt?
[Laughs]

DIRT:
I don’t do that. Only Daddy does.

ROGER:
Gross!
[Laughs]

CHELSEA:
What’s a pussy?

JOEY:
It’s—

WOODS:
La-la-la! A beautiful cat. Just like the one that you just saw.

CHELSEA:
You mean the one that told us we were going to DIE?

WOODS:
Are you sure that the cat told you that we’re gonna die?

CHELSEA:
Yes.

JOEY:
Your sister can’t be trusted.

WOODS:
[Sighs]
You’re right, guys. I mean, she’s only eight years old.

CHELSEA:
He sounded happy that we were here.

WOODS:
The cat?

CHELSEA:
Yep. And he said we’re gonna die tonight.

DIRT:
Oh, sweet release.

JOEY:
That cat’s gonna die tonight—

ROGER:
[Laughs]

JOEY:
—that wound was good! You saw what I did to that cat, Roger?

WOODS:
Speaking of, I want to follow the blood.

KEEPER:
Woods, you’re able to see the blood trail. It’s pretty clear. You’re following it with your flashlight and it leads out of the family room, through the parlor, and into the hallway.

ROGER:
I push any stragglers along so we follow behind him.
Go on! Lead the way, Woods! This oughta be good.

[SFX: Loud crack of thunder]

[SFX: Heavy rain]

ROGER:
Come on, Woods! Let’s go find the cat.

KEEPER:
You track it along the hallway around to the back of the house. There’s a door slightly ajar behind the stairs that seems to lead into a kitchen.

WOODS [Out of Character]:
Then the blood goes into the…?

KEEPER:
Into the kitchen.

WOODS [Out of Character]:
The closed door?

KEEPER:
Seems to be.

WOODS [Out of Character]:
The blood trail goes under the closed door?

KEEPER:
Yeah.

ROGER:
No, no, no.
And I push the door—

[SFX: Heavy door opens]

ROGER:
—open as though it just slides open, you know? Like it’s just—it’s a busted—

[SFX: Creaky hinges]

ROGER:
—door.

WOODS:
What are you talking about? A cat can’t go into a room and then close the door behind it.

ROGER:
Look, it just pushes open.

WOODS:
It doesn’t have a thumb.

JOEY:
That cat is not a regular cat, guys.

DIRT:
Do you want me to go in the room for you?

WOODS:
Go in the room, Dirt!
And I just push Dirt—

DIRT:
Sirs? Master?

WOODS:
—and I just push Dirt into the room.

DIRT:
It’s my pleasure—

[SFX: Heavy, resounding thud]

DIRT:
Oh, God!

KEEPER:
Dirt goes clamoring into this kitchen. It’s appointed with candles like the other rooms, though there are far fewer than the others.

DIRT:
Hello? Cat? K-kitty cat? Hi?

KEEPER:
Looking around for the cat you see that this kitchen is a wreck. Most of the cupboard doors are hanging open on broken hinges or missing entirely. Drawers are pulled out and smashed. There’s stuff scattered everywhere: pots, pans, cans of food, and cooking utensils everywhere.

DIRT:
Oh! Oh, gosh!

WOODS:
Dirt! Are you okay?

JOEY:
Did you see the cat?

DIRT:
It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s just…

KEEPER:
There’s a sudden crack—

[SFX: Loud peal of thunder]

KEEPER:
—of thunder and lightning. It casts a bright white flash of light through the slats of the boarded-up window. The storm must be right on top of you now.

DIRT [Out of Character]:
Do I see the blood trail? Where does it—the blood go?

KEEPER:
The trail is getting spottier, but it looks like it leads to one of the cabinets next to the old oven.

DIRT:
I’m going to carefully crouch down and look in. And I’m gonna be wiggling the tip of the fire poker the way kitties like it.

[SFX: Rattling the fire poker]

DIRT:
Mister cat? Hello?

KEEPER:
With the poker, you push aside chewed open boxes of unidentifiable foods that look like they've been nested in by rats. And behind them you see a hole, right in the back of the cabinet.

DIRT [Out of Character]:
Can I fit?

KEEPER:
The thing about it is, is in that hole there’s something in there. A pair of eyes.

[SFX: Dramatic stinger]

KEEPER:
Do you have a light source with you?

DIRT [Out of Character]:
Uhhhh…I have a firecracker that I can light and slingshot into the hole. Maybe that’ll help me see?

KEEPER:
Okay. Is that what’s happening?

DIRT:
Here, kitty!

WOODS:
What do you see?

DIRT:
There’s some eyes and a hole. And I—I think I should throw something at it.

WOODS:
What are you doing?

DIRT:
I—I don’t know!

KEEPER:
You strike your match—

[SFX: Skritch of a match]

KEEPER:
—light the firecracker—

[SFX: Fuse burning]

KEEPER:
—and using your slingshot, fling it into the hole.

[SFX: Ricochet]

KEEPER:
Something catches it. And in the sparkling light of the burning wick you can see what looks like a rat—but it’s not a rat. It’s the size of a small dog and—

[SFX: Pitiful moaning]

KEEPER:
—rats don’t have human faces.

[SFX: Dramatic stinger]

KEEPER:
This one does. It smiles at you and holds the firecracker out. It looks proud like it’s done something good. It glances between you and the dwindling wick and…the firecracker explodes—

[SFX: Explosion]

KEEPER:
—blowing the creature to pieces! Roll Sanity.

DIRT [Out of Character]:
I rolled a 41 out of 40. No…I failed. That’s what that means.

KEEPER:
Let’s say that’s a d4 plus-one Sanity loss.

DIRT [Out of Character]:
4, so 5?

KEEPER:
[Laughs]
Excellent.

WOODS:
Dirt, what the heck was that?
I’m gonna go in there.

KEEPER:
Woods, you push the door open—

[SFX: Heavy door creaks open]

KEEPER:
—and you can smell gunpowder and something putrid. The air is hazy with smoke. You stand there, hand on the door, the rest of the gang looking on, and you see Dirt awkwardly stumble to his feet. He’s holding what looks like a doll’s head and is nuzzling it to the side of his face. Stroking the hair on its head and—

DIRT:
[Cooing]

KEEPER:
—making cooing sounds. And gently caressing it and whispering to it.

DIRT:
Oh, Mommy, you’ve come back to me! Finally!

CHELSEA:
I start crying.
[Crying]

WOODS:
Oh, Chelsea! Chelsea!

JOEY:
Oh, man!

WOODS:
Shut up!

JOEY:
What is Dirt doing in there?

WOODS:
Dirt, what are you doing? What is that thing?

DIRT:
I found my mom!

KEEPER:
He walks over to the lot of you and holds it out. Whatever this thing is, it looks like some kind of head from a creature, some animal. Maybe a monkey, but it’s—it’s got a human face and it’s—it’s contorted in a death stare. Everyone, roll Sanity.

CHELSEA & WOODS:
[Crying]

JOEY [Out of Character]:
Oh, no! Oh, I rolled a 6! Joey is good to GO!

KEEPER:
If you make the Sanity roll, you only lose 1 point.

CHELSEA [Out of Character]:
So I’m down to 71.

WOODS [Out of Character]:
I fail every Sanity roll. I failed my—

KEEPER:
Okay: d4.

WOODS [Out of Character]:
—Sanity roll.

WOODS [Out of Character]:
d4? God, Woods just doesn’t have it together. I lost 3 Sanity!

KEEPER:
As the blood oozes out of this dead creature’s mouth, it just awakens a primal terror in Woods as he lets out a scream.

WOODS:
[Anguished scream]
Oh, God!

JOEY:
Get it together, Woods!

WOODS:
What is that thing?

JOEY:
It’s your date!
[Laughs]

ROGER:
[Laughs]
Good one!

JOEY:
Oh, man!

WOODS:
Roger, what have you done? What is this place? This is crazy! Cats everywhere! There’s this—what is that thing? I—

CHELSEA:
[Sobbing]

WOODS:
The storms outside—I wanna go home!

JOEY:
Oh, look at the brother and sister crying!

CHELSEA:
It’s kind of cute!

WOODS & CHELSEA
[Crying]

ROGER:
I like her, Woods. She’s—she’s a real catch.

WOODS:
That has a face of a human being. That doesn’t exist in nature. What are you—what are you mean, it’s a real catch? What are you talking about?

ROGER:
I put my arm around Dirt and I grab his “Mom’s” head from him, and I make it talk like a puppet.

[SFX: Clicking as of a marionette]

ROGER:
“What’s wrong, Woods, are you upset?”

JOEY:
[Laughs]

ROGER:
“Are you scared?”

WOODS:
Oh, my God!

JOEY:
[Laughs]
Roger, you’re funny, man!

WOODS:
I come down into, like—

[SFX: Body collapses]

WOODS:
—onto all fours and I just start rocking back and forth as I hold my knees. Like, what have I put myself into?

JOEY:
I put my arm around Woods, and I go,
Come on, Woods, you can’t appreciate a little puppetry?
[Laughs]

WOODS:
[Groans]

DIRT:
I lash out at Roger with the poker towards his eyes.
That’s my momma’s head! You’re gonna get it now!

ROGER:
[Laughs]

KEEPER:
Make a Fighting roll.

DIRT [Out of Character]:
I got a 59 out of 25.

KEEPER:
Dirt flails out wildly—

[SFX: Rod swishing through air]

KEEPER:
—with the fireplace poker—

[SFX: Boxes tumble]

[SFX: Ceramic shatters]

KEEPER:
—crashing it into pots and pans as he tries—

[SFX: Shattering]

ROGER:
[Laughs]

KEEPER:
—to hit you. But he’s not able to connect.

[SFX: Dishes breaking]

KEEPER:
And pretty quickly he’s out of breath—

DIRT:
[Wheezes]

KEEPER:
—wheezing—

[SFX: Poker clatters to the floor]

KEEPER:
—and slowly coming to his senses.

DIRT:
What happened? Hi, guys, where am I? Why am I covered in red?

ROGER:
Hey, Dirt! Say “Hi” to your mom for me.
And I throw the head at him.

[SFX: Wet, meaty squelch]

DIRT:
Ahhhh!

JOEY:
[Laughs]

[SFX: Thunder rolls]

CHELSEA:
Tommy, I wanna go home.

WOODS:
I wanna go home, too. But we can’t go home. The storm is too strong. We might get hit by lightning.

CHELSEA:
I think it’d be better in the storm than out in here!

WOODS:
Did you hear about Frank McMullen? He got hit by lightning last time that he was outside in the storm. We can’t go outside. And we cannot go outside in this—

CHELSEA:
Let’s just sit on the porch or something! I don’t want to be in here anymore!

WOODS:
That’s a more dangerous place to be.

JOEY:
So you’re stuck here with us.

ROGER & JOEY:
[Laugh]

KEEPER:
And almost on cue—

[SFX: Crack of thunder]

KEEPER:
—lightning strikes outside through the window as you can see it through the slats from multiple directions. It’s loud and it’s close.

WOODS:
See? We can’t go anywhere. The storm is right over the top of us, Chelsea!

CHELSEA:
[Cries]

WOODS:
I know—I know—and I know. And we have to stay here. We have to stay here right now.

JOEY:
Hey, come on. Don’t cry. Maybe we’ll find another cat. I promise not to stab this one!

CHELSEA:
[Wailing]

JOEY:
[Laughs]

ROGER:
I wander over to the kitchen counter. Anything interesting for me to play with?

KEEPER:
In fact, there is. Roger, in the sink you find a big, rusty carving knife.

[SFX: Metallic clink]

ROGER:
Hey, this is even bigger than your Scout Master’s, Woods!

WOODS:
Great, okay, Roger. Put that thing away. You’re gonna cut yourself! That thing might have tetanus.

CHELSEA:
What’s this about a Scout Master’s knife?

ROGER:
Your goody two-shoes brother? He stole his Scout Master’s knife.

CHELSEA:
You what?

ROGER:
I caught him whipping it out to show Dorothy Pickett!

JOEY:
Oh, wow. Scout’s honor, huh?

CHELSEA:
[Crying]
I’m gonna—I’m gonna tell Memaaaaa.

WOODS:
It was a beautiful knife.

DIRT:
You’re a thief.

CHELSEA:
Is that why you agreed to do this?

WOODS:
Yes. Roger has the knife. And I need it back. Because I need to get it back to my Scout Master and make amends. I can’t—

CHELSEA:
Roger, give it back so we can go home.

JOEY:
Oh, we are never giving back that knife. We could fetch a good price for that thing!

ROGER:
Look, kid, a deal’s a deal. Scouts understand that, right? A deal is a deal, Woods. Tonight, you’re here.
And I stab—

[SFX: Solid, stabbing of wood]

ROGER:
—the knife into the kitchen counter.
We stay here! Until dawn!

DIRT:
You can’t break a deal because then you would be a thief, and a liar, and a breaker of deals. You can’t do that.

WOODS:
Scout’s honor.

ROGER:
[Laughs]

[SFX: Thunder rolls ominously]

ROGER:
Hey, it’s okay, Sherlock Holmes. Don’t you get a merit badge for solving mysteries or something? Where’d that pussy cat go?

KEEPER:
And almost on cue—

[SFX: Hideous, screeching wail]

KEEPER:
—you hear the sound of a cat howling up above you, upstairs somewhere.

[SFX: Dramatic stinger]

JOEY:
Whoa, did you guys hear that?

CHELSEA:
Kitty!

ROGER:
Why Woods, I do believe the game is afoot.
[Laughs]

WOODS:
This is your idea. You’re going up there first!

CHELSEA:
But I’m already off—

[SFX: Quick, determined footsteps]

CHELSEA:
—heading towards the stairs.

KEEPER:
You can hear the floorboards thumping as she bounds down the hallway back towards the front of the house.

ROGER:
See? Chelsea gets it. Chelsea gets it, Woods. You’re never gonna get it. But she gets it.

WOODS:
And I go chasing after my sister.

ROGER:
I pull the knife out of the counter and I walk on behind him.

DIRT:
Oh, what do I do?

ROGER:
C’mon, Joey. C’mon, Dirt.

DIRT:
I’m just gonna follow behind them.

JOEY:
You get it movin’ Dirt. I’m goin’ behind you.

KEEPER:
The lot of you make your way back out into the hallway again just in time to see Chelsea stomping her way up the stairs.

[SFX: Heavy footsteps]

WOODS:
Chelsea! What are you doing?

CHELSEA:
I am going to find that kitty, Tommy Northwood. And you are a no-good liar and a thief so you don’t get to tell me what to do!

[SFX: Low rumble of thunder]

[Music swells and fades]

NARRATOR:
I’ve heard of “rolling out the welcome mat” but “rolling out the welcome cat”? Or “rat” for that matter… What was that thing Dirt found in the kitchen? Hmm…

There’s no shortage of inhospitable inhabitants in this doomed domicile, not the least of which are these poor youngsters, turning on each other. Gosh, I hope they make it out okay and live to see another day.

You know, the same can be said for us here at W*I*S* and Omniverse, the creative team behind The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program. We’re an independent outfit and rely entirely on your generous support to bring these horrors to life.

We’d be honored if you’d join us in our cephalopodic cause. Just like Nyarlathotep’s symposiums or the writings of Sutter Kane, there is much power in sharing our dark gospel with your friends and family, spreading the word far and wide. But dear listeners, if by any chance you have the coins to spare or a cache of doubloons dredged up from the depths, this humble studio is very much in need of your financial support if we’re to keep telling tremendous tales such as these.

Right now we’re raising funds for our NEXT series of The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program via IndieGoGo. If you head to CthulhuMystery.com/Crowdfund you’ll see our grand scheme, including video messages from our cast and crew, and all the eye-catching perks and exclusive experiences we’re offering as a thank you to our supporters. Would YOU like to pursue peril in a TTRPG session with our Keeper, Luke Stram? Now you can. How about a gin-u-ine sack of your very own wooden Red Herring coins? Many mysterious and mischievous mementos and memory-making moments await you, again at CthulhuMystery.com/Crowdfund.

Without you, we can’t bring the darkness to light.

Now, I’m sure you’re already sufficiently startled by our new and uncanny experiences tonight, folks. I don’t want to further frazzle your nerves, but I am going to ask you to brace yourselves.

The next song that I’m playing you is entirely electronic! Perhaps you’re familiar with the theremin, that strange device that pulls haunting harmonies from thin air. Well even if you’ve witnessed one of those fascinating demonstrations, I assure you, you are not prepared for this. Science has wrought an entire band’s worth of electronic instruments. They call these devices of sublime sonification  “synthesizers,” and the technicians who operate them with aplomb? They call themselves “Freezepop.”

Their most recent long player is called Fantasizer, a shockingly human record to be rendered by such synthetic means. And as if to prove these machines can indeed do anything, Freezepop has released a series of extended players, or as they call them, “maxi-singles” featuring exclusive songs and drastic rearrangements of their popular favorites.

Considering that we’re closing out an episode of Mystery Program with one of their tracks it perhaps won’t surprise you to know that they’ve got no short supply of spooky songs, including the record that this track is from.

This is Freezepop with “The Monster Song” heh… The “Vanderbilt Tunch’s Escape On Horseback Mix” …from their maxi-single: The Ghost Rejoins the Living.

[Freezepop: “The Monster Song (Vanderbilt Tunch's Escape On Horseback Mix)”]

ANNOUNCER:
Thanks for listening to The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program!

This series is recorded and produced in Central Florida and Nashville, Tennessee on lands stolen from their Indigenous people: the Timucua and Seminole, and Yuchi, Chickasaw, Shawnee, and Cherokee, respectively.

Acknowledgement of the first peoples of these lands, and the lasting repercussions of colonization is just the beginning of the restorative work that is necessary. Through awareness, we can prompt allyship, action, and ultimately decolonization. For links to aid Indigenous efforts and to learn more about the first nations of the land where you live: visit cthulhumystery.com/landback

If you enjoy our podcast broadcast, please rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser and be sure to subscribe to our series via your favorite podcast player to get all the latest episodes.

Episode 2: “Trespassers” was written and performed by Luke Stram, Cat Blackard, Chris LeBrane, Manda Bruno, Brandon Gerson, and Colin Peterson, with additional scripting and story editing by Cat Blackard and featuring the voice of Leeman Kessler.

Editing and mastering is by Executive Producers Colin Peterson and Cat Blackard with additional editing by Ricardo Lugo. It’s Produced by John Sebastian La Valle and Jessica Mudd is Associate Producer.

Our original score is composed and performed by Ryan McQuinn and Mike McQuinn of Neon Dolphin: home for all your custom music needs and more. Neondolphinmusic.com.

The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program is proudly played using Chaosium’s Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition. “Night at Howling House” is based on The Dare, a scenario by Kevin Ross with revisions by Bret Kramer, published by Sentinel Hill Press.

For full episode credits, transcripts, as well as character sheets and other supplemental material, visit CthulhuMystery.com.

This podcast wouldn’t be possible without the support of listeners like YOU and our incredible team of Patreon Producers:
Joe “Tank” Ricciardelli, MjolnirMK86, Sean Hutchinson, Sean T. Redd, Josh King, and Patrick Webster
And our Executive Patreon producers:
BigBadShadowMan, Marcus Larsson, Jaimeson LaLone, and Becky Scott Fairley.

Join the team at Patreon.com/OmniverseMedia!

All characters appearing are fictitious and any resemblances to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

This has been The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program. Goodnight!

[Music fades]

[Omniverse Audio Brand]